Paradox

Sometimes I feel caught in a paradox between not wanting my boys to grow up too quickly, yet wanting the days to fly by so that Richard will get home. I know I can't have it both ways.

The boys have already changed so much in the nearly three months since he left, it leaves me speechless. Jacob becomes more and more like a little boy every day, leaving his baby days behind him. Ryan is quick to keep up with his older brother, and sometimes he seems half baby-half little boy, as he vacillates between the baby-ness of jibber jabber and naptime, to big boy things like saying the words "Ball", "Go" and "Car", and running around.

A few nights ago I found myself in tears as I was looking through old photos of them as little babies. I hardly recognized their cherubic faces; they look like different little people now entirely. I couldn't help but ask myself, Where has the time gone? I know I am tremendously lucky that I get to stay home with them every day, and I count my blessings for that. Yet, even for a stay-at-home mom, things can slip past me, and I find myself in shock that Jacob can sing and count and spell his name, and that Ryan is walking and talking, and will soon be 18 months old! There are no more babies in our house, not little babies anyway. And as awesome as it is to watch them grow and change and learn, it is still heartbreaking at times to know that those wonderful early days are over.

So even though I oftentimes find myself wishing my days away, wanting nothing more than for Richard to be home with us, I have been making a concerted effort to leave the dishes in the sink, to turn the computer off, and to just sit on the floor and play with my boys. I watch them in their play, we sing together, we read together, we chase each other, we tickle, we laugh, we cuddle, we build blocks. We just play, and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. While these moments may go by way too fast, I know that we are creating memories that I will cherish forever.