Monday, January 30, 2012

Three Months Old

Baby Boo is now officially three months old.

I have been taking photos each month to compare his growth. I'm happy to report that he is progressively getting chubbier, and, after being mostly bald on his two month birthday, he appears to have grown a lot of it back!

3 days old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Big Problem

I have a big head. Like, freakishly.

I've always tried to participate in the latest fashions - tall boots, peasant tops (conveniently came into style during my first pregnancy), pea coats, you name it. I even remember a time when I was in high school, and bra strap headbands were in. But I didn't have a job and therefore I had no money to buy one, so I cut the strap off of one of my bras, safety pinned it together and wore it as a headband so I could be in style.

Yes, I actually wore an actual bra strap around my head. Cringe.

But one fashion statement I've never been able to enjoy is the Hat. It doesn't matter what style - wide brimmed, page boy, cowboy - I can't wear them because my head is too big. I don't know why, I'm definitely not intelligent enough to claim a large brain. My cranium is just obnoxiously big. And I know it is larger than average because all the hats in the stores have the same obnoxious tag on them: ONE SIZE. One size?! I am tired of this one size BS because their one size doesn't even come close to fitting my head.



On Sunday, I was enjoying a couple hours alone at Target when I saw their hat section. Beautiful, vintage-inspired hats in different colors with unique detailing. I couldn't help myself, I had to try them on. I chose three to try, and these were the results, (by the way, taking pictures of yourself at Target? Super awkward).






My head is so huge the hats sit on top of it! I look like a hat rack. Even the owl stocking cap, which was made of stretchy cotton, wouldn't stay down for more than two seconds.

It made me think of this lovely orange cashmere hat I have at home. I bought it years ago in New York. It was too pretty and soft to pass up, but it's never fit quite the way it should. And yet I keep it around the way someone might hold onto that pair of skinny jeans that they swear they're gonna fit into again one day when they slim down enough. Only, no amount of slimming down will get my freakishly large skull into that hat.

Discouraged, I turned to the trusty headband section. Sure, they always give me a killer headache, but at least they conform pretty well to the size of my head. In the end I picked out a dainty band with black and green feathers on it. After all, feathers are really in right now.

I'm sure that one day in like five years I will look back and wonder why the hell I went out in public with feathers in my hair, but for now I'm going to embrace it.

Besides, someone told me that added detail can be slimming, and my head needs all the help it can get.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Groundbreaking Moments

When we got Binker into speech therapy, he quickly picked up on requesting items. At first, it was very simple two-word phrases, such as "Milk please", or "More please". Those eventually extended into longer phrases, like, "I want milk please", etc. Around that time, Binker learned to express when he liked something. For example, on Easter, (which also happened to be his third birthday), he ate quite a bit of candy soon after waking up and finding his Easter basket, and he said, "I like Easter! I like birthday!" and this past fall, we took a family trip to Great Wolf Lodge, and after only a couple hours there, Binker was all, "I like swimming! I like slides! I like Great Wolf Lodge!"  

His speech somewhat plateaued at this point; excelling at requesting things and letting us know when he liked something, but not much more. Every once in awhile he would say something, simply as commentary, like when I would be feeding the baby, he might come over and say, "Baby is drinking a bottle!", and of course, the ever popular, "The light is on!"

In just the past couple of months though, I have seen some expansion in his speech skills. Where he used to positively melt down when he got frustrated or upset, now he consistently will say "Help me please!", and more and more often, he will even say what is wrong, or what it is he wants.

A new development in his language recently has been in his ability to ask questions and answer them. He never used to answer questions, I mean, it just didn't happen. And then, ever so slowly, he started. I'd still say that the majority of the time, you won't get an answer, but the fact that he can and occasionally does answer, is HUGE. A few nights ago I posted on Facebook an interaction I had with him. Binker came into the room holding a toy train, and I asked, "What did you find", (totally not expecting an answer), and he responded, "I found a train!"

Parents of typically-developed children will probably read over that interaction without a second thought, but for us - for Binker - it was an enormous accomplishment for several reasons. First of all, he was aware of me, and that I was talking to him. Then there is the fact that he answered me, and by turning my question into an response clearly shows that he understood what I was asking him. Also, he used "I" instead of saying his first name, which is something we have been really working on with him, trying to get him to consistently say I or me, versus his name. And lastly, he used a past tense verb when he said "found". I don't think I have ever heard him use past tense before that evening. For months I have been trying to get him to be able to tell me about past events, such as what he does at preschool. Seeing him use past tense, shows me that, through baby steps, he can master the past tense, and one day he will be able to talk to me about things he has done.

Just as exciting as answering questions, is the fact that Binker has started purposefully asking questions too. The other day, Binker was playing with a small basket. At one point I took it away from him, but I didn't know he had put some orange slices in it. He began crying, "Oranges! Oranges!" I had no idea what he was talking about, and then he said, "What happened to the oranges?" He literally stopped me in my tracks. His question was so clear, and purposeful, it took me a few seconds to respond to him, it truly caught me off guard - in a good way!

Also, Binker has really been into playing with these remote-control toys he got for Christmas from my in-laws, one is a school bus and one is a train, they are adorable toys, and he has so much fun with them. He is really good at misplacing his things though, and he usually can't remember where the remote controls for the toys are.  One morning he was looking for them, and he said, "Where is button?" At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but once I figured it out, I told him they were called remotes. The next day, he lost one of them again, and he came to me and said, "Where did remote go?"

So awesome.

This morning, out of the blue, Binker began doing something else, that, to anyone else probably wouldn't even register on their radar: he started addressing me by "Mommy". He has pointed to me before, and said "Mommy", acknowledging that he knows who I am, and he has used the word mommy when talking about me, but he never says, "Hi mommy", or uses mommy when talking to me. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have physically ached, wishing he would call me mommy.

And then, it happened. I had put him in the bathroom to go potty, and went to check on the baby, when I heard, "Mommy! Mommy, where are you?" For a second I was totally caught off guard. 

When you go nearly four years with your child never addressing you as mommy, it is a real shock when it just suddenly happens. And then it happened again. And again! I kept trying to go into the bathroom to do my hair, but each time, Binker would call for me, "Mommy! Mommy!" And then he would come in, grab me by the hand and take me out to the family room with him. One time he even said, "Sit in chair"(!). He was watching The Wiggles, and I think he was wanting me to watch it with him. So sweet!

Lately I feel like it's been a bit of a tug of war game. He will have moments where he gets very frustrated, and won't communicate well, and then I get frustrated and just want to go eat a box of Oreos. 

But, he has also been having these awesome, awesome moments - asking questions, answering questions, and then, calling me mommy. I'm still swooning over that fact. I hope that as the weeks go on, we will have more of these groundbreaking moments for him, and less of the emotional eating-inducing ones. 

It's much better for my waistline.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Making it Official, Part II

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about our appointment last week. Honestly, it was a little harder for me than I expected, even though I went in knowing that it wouldn't be very enjoyable. It was sort of like reopening a wound; I felt as though we were back where we were a year ago, having to explain Binker's symptoms and behaviors to a medical specialist. And it didn't help that the guy was going off the paperwork Binker's doctor sent to him....nine months ago. 

Obviously much has changed in the interim, and I had to spend a lot of time catching the guy up, and trying to explain the progress our son has made. I'm not entirely sure he totally grasped what I was telling him though, because at the end of the appointment he actually suggested we try teaching Binker alternative forms of communication such as Sign Language and having him use pictures to tell us what he wants. I bit my tongue, but I wanted to tell him that our son is way beyond that.

Unfortunately, between being in a new environment, and all of the distractions, Binker wasn't at his best. Kids never perform when you want them to. But I know what my son is capable of, more than anyone. While his communication skills can be hit or miss in new environments, when he is at home, he consistently uses words to communicate with me. Whether he wants something, he hurt himself, he is frustrated, or he is just sharing something with me, he uses his words. So the fact that this nurse suggested we use Sign Language made me feel like he hadn't even been listening to a thing I had said; it was like he was stuck on where Binker was a year ago.

So after two hours of him asking me a million questions, and trying to play with Binker for about 10 minutes, he told me that in his opinion he thinks Binker is on the spectrum, however, he wants to leave the official "Yes" diagnosis to an actual MD. So that will be another six to nine weeks, (he guessed), before we get in for that appointment. I can't imagine what else they will do at that appointment that hasn't already been done. I'm a little irritated that we will have to drive over an hour to have a doctor say he is for sure on the spectrum. At this point, it seems like it's just a formality to me, and kind of makes me want to roll my eyes. But we'll do it, and hopefully soon enough we will be done with these appointments.

If I sound a little down, it's because I am. I guess I just felt kind of discouraged after the appointment. I didn't learn anything new from it, or take much away from it that was positive. One thing I have found is that overwhelmingly, the medical professionals we have encountered on this journey are not very positive on the subject of Autism. Maybe they just want to keep parents' expectations realistic, or maybe they just become numb after seeing so many cases, (the Autism Speaks website states that 1 in 110 children will be diagnosed on the spectrum, and as many as 1 in 70 boys). Either way, it can sometimes be hard to remain positive and encouraged. The evening after Binker's appointment last week, I was in a very bummed out mood.

At one point, I found myself wondering what it would be like if Binker wasn't on the spectrum. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have him come home from preschool, run up to me, give me a big hug and say "I love you mommy!", and tell me all about his day. Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.

And then, as I sat there on the couch, lost in my own pity party, Binker came over to me with a smile on his face. He leaned his head on me, and cuddled up against me for a moment before saying, "Mommy loves me".

Mommy loves me.

My reality may not be what I always imagined it would be, but it is wonderful in so many ways. And I couldn't help but feel that that moment was God's way of showing me that I am still so blessed, and to, well, snap out of it. 

We'll finish this part of our journey, we'll go through the doctors' process, even though I may not fully understand it. And regardless of what they think my son's abilities and limitations are, I will keep believing in him. And, of course, loving him.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Making it Official

Over the course of this past year, we have been operating under the assumption that Binker has autism. All of the signs and symptoms are there, and it seems to be the general consensus of two pediatricians, his speech therapist, the school's child psychologist, as well as Binker's preschool teachers. The reason we don't have an official diagnosis yet is because the process of getting one is a little more involved than just one appointment with your child's regular practitioner, it usually requires multiple appointments with specialists in the topic.

Last April, Binker's pediatrician referred us to the Autism Center at Seattle Children's Hospital. We were told it would be about a six month wait before we could expect to get an appointment. September rolled around, and then October. No phone call. November and December passed, and I honestly assumed the hospital had forgotten about us. 

I really wasn't concerned. In fact, I really didn't care. From what I'd been told, getting a diagnosis with them would be just that - a diagnosis. A label. They probably wouldn't offer us any new services, they would simply tell us what we already knew, and send us on our way.

And then, last week, they called me.

Nine months after I initially contacted them, we finally have an appointment for this Wednesday.

I decided to go ahead with it for a few reasons. I know that at some point down the line we will probably need proof of his condition to continue receiving his private services through our health insurance. Also, it will be important to show the military, so that we can ensure our family will never be transferred out of the country, so that Binker always has access to the best therapies and schools. I didn't feel like turning down this appointment, only to have to wait another nine months later on down the road.

I have mixed feelings about the appointment this week. On one hand, I am anxious. I would love to go there, and have them say Binker is developing typically and that they have no concerns whatsoever that he is on the spectrum. I know that won't happen. 

So, I am preparing myself to be told the obvious. And in that way, I am looking forward to what they have to say. I know it may be several appointments before they are able to tell us anything substantive, but when they do, I am looking at it as being more information we will have about our son, and how we can work with him and help him. Hopefully they will tell us we are on the right path, and perhaps they will have suggestions of additional things we can do.

Either way, it should be interesting to see how this all plays out, and exactly what the evaluation and diagnosing process involves. I'm sure this will be an interesting part of our journey, stay tuned.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Strong-Willed Child

When my brother and I were teenagers my dad used to tease us that when we turned 13 aliens came and abducted us and would return us to our bodies at 19, meaning that teenagers can seem moody,  difficult, and unrecognizable to their parents. 

I would have to disagree though. I think the aliens take over during age two. 

Bug has been particularly challenging for us. He is very strong-willed, always doing what he wants, on his own schedule. He doesn't respond much to discipline. When he gets in trouble, he will cry, but a few minutes later he is disobeying again. I wrote about Binker when he was going through his difficult phase, but Ryan takes the cake. He will throw tantrums when he gets in trouble, or knee the couch, (I know, what?!), and then he will look at us for our reaction. He is constantly pushing us, wanting to see how far he can go. While I get frustrated with him and his defiant nature, I also can't help but be quietly amused by his antics. I find it amazing that each child is born with their own personality, and as challenging as Bug can be at times he is wonderful in so many ways.

Bug is so sweet and lovable, he always has been. When I stick out my arms he gets the biggest smile, runs over, jumps in my lap and gives the best hugs. He also loves to help out. Whether we're feeding the baby, changing a diaper, or assembling a new toy, he is always right there, intently watching and learning. In fact, we gave him his own tool belt for Christmas because he follows Husband around whenever he is fixing something with a screwdriver or hammer. Now Bug has his very own set. He runs from room to room, hammering the windowsills, and door knobs, and then he will take his "screwdriver" and turn it against the door frame and say "I fixing the door!"

I can't wait to see where his desire to learn and to help takes him. 

That's assuming, of course, that I survive the remainder of the Twos.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

See Ya Later Alligator

A cute video I shot of Binker today. Sorry it's so dark, the boys don't have a light in their room right now.