Know

I was sitting in my kindergarten class. 

Most of the moms were visiting that day. Our teacher was reading the book, Love You Forever.

The lines repeated throughout the book are, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

I looked around, and all of the moms had tears running down their faces, kleenexes bunched in their fingers. My mom was no different. I looked at her blankly.  

Why was she crying? Why were any of them crying? 

Moms could be funny, and I didn't get it.

I've always been close with my parents, we have a great relationship. They told me often that they loved me, no matter what. But I didn't really get it until 4:07am on the morning of April 24th, 2008 when my first son, Jacob, came into the world.

In that moment, I understood the love my parents had always professed for my brother and me. In that moment, I came to know absolute, pure, unconditional love.

Sometimes at night I pick my children up out of their cribs and rock them in my arms. I hold them close and I feel almost suffocated by all the things I want to tell them.

That I love them in a way that no language can express. 

That I would die for them without a moment's hesitation. 

That I pray they never have to suffer any pain in their lives.

Growing up, when I did something wrong, I would be afraid to tell my parents. I'd imagine the worst possible reaction they could have, and it usually included them writing me off or disowning me.

Because I didn't get it.

If I could have known the depth of their love for me then, I don't think I would have been fearful in sharing my misdeeds with them. (Well, not as fearful anyway, because I still got punished).

As a parent, I want my children to know that I love them no matter what. It doesn't matter what they do, or what they say, or what they think. I will continue to love them. It is beyond my control, and I couldn't stop loving them if I wanted to.

And yet, I doubt they will get it either. 

Until the day comes when they hold their own firstborn child in their arms and they fall desperately in love with that perfect, precious baby.

Then they will finally know.

Third

Three years ago today...

 I married this amazing man.

 I kind of adore him.

It was a beautiful day. 

Simple. Sweet. Just my style.

We laughed. We cried. We ate good food. 

 

Our dads. Negotiating the Dowry...or something.

 And at the end of the day, I was married to the man of my dreams.

He's pretty much stuck with me now.

See? It's legal. I'm almost positive.

Now that we've been married three years, we know each others' quirks, we've developed traditions as a couple and as a family. Things just feel out of balance, when the other is not around. And in spite of deployments and things that can sometimes get in the way, I am happier than I've ever been.

I'm so proud of Richard's many accomplishments, and how hard he works for our family. I am amazed at the sacrifices he makes, and his ability to keep going in situations when I know I would just sit on the floor and cry. I'm touched by his love for our sons, and I adore the soft side they bring out in him. 

He is my hero, my best friend, my confidante, my heart.

I'm sad that we cannot be together to celebrate today, this is our first anniversary apart. But I know we will be reunited shortly, and that will be the best belated anniversary gift I could receive.

Here's to Year Four!

Weighing-In

If you know me, then you probably know I've been trying to lose some weight. It's weird how when I'm dieting, time seems to go by so slowly, and it can feel like it will be an eternity until my next bite of a delicious, high-sugar carb. When I'm not dieting however, time suddenly goes into warp speed, and the next thing I know, the "baby" that I keep claiming I recently gave birth to, is now nearing his 18 month birthday and I realize that I really can't use that excuse anymore.

So I decided that I needed to take some action; I need to lose some of this chub so that elderly people and Asians will stop asking me when my baby is due, (and no, I am not ageist or racist, those are the two specific groups who have actually asked me when my baby is due).

So if today is the 18th of June...then that means that I have been on a diet for the past 26 years. It's okay though, I accept the fact that I will never be naturally thin, and that I will always have to be mindful of what I eat, (and try not to hate skinny people in the process). If I look at the bright side of this, maybe I could start a website that reviews all different diet programs and regimens, as I have been on most of them at one time or another. I think the first official diet program I ever did was Weight Watchers, but I have also used Slim Fast a couple times through the years, as well as Atkins, from time to time. During college I had much success with LA Weight Loss, and more recently I was on Nutrisystem; but at the present time I am simply counting calories. I have also tried some not so well-known diet programs, such as drinking three Sobe juice beverages a day, as meal replacements (I thought this brilliant plan up all by myself, if you can believe it), that one lasted less than 48 hours because ohmigod was I STARVING!

My weight has been up and down throughout the years, and I have the stretchmarks to prove it. Yet something is different now that I am married. Richard is such an amazingly sweet husband, and never once has he made a negative comment about my weight, not even when I was 9 months pregnant and enormous. He tells me every day that he thinks I am beautiful, and when I tell him I am dieting he says that I don't need to, and that he is concerned I am going to get too skinny, bless his heart! In fact, the time when Richard told me he thought I was a size 4 - that was the moment I knew I would stay with him forever! Honestly though, Richard has given me a confidence and acceptance of myself that I've never had before. While I know I still need to lose some weight, and I would like to do so in order to feel better about my appearance, Richard's support is so helpful, and lets me know that even when I falter in my weight loss attempts (which I know is inevitable every now and then), he will always be there to tell me that I am still good enough in his eyes.

I am so lucky to be his wife.