Free Fall

Last week I had my first essay published at The Smartly.

And, because I am completely insane, I started off with an opinion piece.

I kind of doubted that they would even post it, and then, when it was posted so quickly - wow.

I was terrified.

All the sudden my head was pounding, my stomach was tight, I was breathing faster.

Did I really want this?

I read over it a few times. 

No. No, nothing is right. I need to revise. OMG! How could I have thought this was a finished piece of writing?!

I took a few deep breaths. It didn't help.

I took an Advil. It helped a little. 

I took the boys to McDonald's and snuck a couple of their fries. That helped a lot.

All my life I have wanted to be published, and this is such an awesome start for me; I was so looking forward to it happening. But, I didn't realize what it would feel like.

Jumping off a cliff.

No parachute.

No safety net. 

Just me, and my words. And everyone's judgment.

Some will love me. Some will hate me.

This is the risk.

And...I think I am willing to take that risk again. And again.

Flash Back Friday - The College Years

Below are two posts from my one of my old blogs in 2003. I was attending college in Montana, but when these posts were written I was in Washington on a short weekend vacation from school.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Greetings from Washington!! Right now I am sitting in my brother's old room back home, just enjoying every relaxing familiar sight and sound. It is great to be here, and not have a thing to worry about. This morning I awoke at 5:45 am and went for a 4 mile walk with my dad in the POURING rain, and it was fabulous!! Oh how I miss the rain of washington.  This trip is bittersweet though...our house, at the moment, is filled with boxes and all of the shelves and drawers are empty, all of the walls are devoid of pictures, even the refrigerator door, normally full of uplifting phrases, and photos, is bare. My parents are moving to Camano Island in 3 weeks, and are preparing in a very organized, yet quick manner.  I get to see the new house tomorrow, and by the sounds of it, it's gonna be awesome. It's really close to the beach, and it has a deck to go sit out on, and look at the water, or the stars. In a few years my parents may even get a hot tub to put out there. I think next summer is gonna be awesome, and hopefully I'll be able to have my friends come stay with me, and we can go swimming every day and just chill out. Anyway, more to come on this trip later...I gtg shower now. Hi to all my get alongs back in Montana ; what's up Tim, we miss you here; and hi to all my fellow Washingtonian friends! This is the best place on earth.  Sunday, October 19, 2003 Well in about half an hour I am going to embark on my way home. Crazy how fast time flies, but it must. I had a good weekend though. I got to hang out with my parents, I stopped by my old work, I checked out how the mall has changed, I hung out with my friends Chester and Tina, I got to eat some teriyaki and Jack in the Box!! (Both rarities in Montana). And I got to say goodbye to this house, so overall, I'd say I had a very good weekend. Oh, did I mention Jay Buhner was on my flight coming here? I can't remember if I did or not, but yeah, he was, and I was only 2 rows behind him!  Anyway, now I have to head back, then drive the 2 hours from Bozeman to Billings....woo woo. And then it will be crackdown on homework time. Booooo But it's all good. Once I get through this stressful week, and my 4 essays (UGH killer), I get to relax, and yeah, it's gonna be all good.  I am happy to be going back. I miss my friends so much. I probably accumulated a phone bill up the ying yang from calling them all weekend, but it's worth it.  It's cool because I remember last year at Gonzaga, everyone told me that when I went home I would miss the school and my friends so much that I wouldn't be able to wait to come back. But that never happened. I never missed anyone or anything, I just wanted to stay at home with my family, and my friends, and my dog, and all of the familiar things of Edmonds. But this year is completely different.  It's always nice to come home and get a break from school, but I can't wait to get back to RMC, and just be silly with my friends, make memories from college, and live life to the fullest. Have a good one all. So Mom and Dad, you ever going to get that hot tub??

From Franklin to Family

Well, I have made it home. Now that I am back, safe and sound, and none of my planes crashed I am so happy that I went to the Killer Nashville conference. I had the most amazing time! I learned so much in those three days, took nearly 20 pages of notes and got invaluable advice.

The last time I blogged about the trip was Friday night, when I couldn't sleep. I don't think I actually ended up going to bed until 1:30am, and I tossed and turned all night. When my alarm went off at 7am Saturday morning I could barely open my eyes. I considered skipping the first class of the day to sneak in a couple more hours of sleep, but in the end, I didn't want to risk missing important information.

I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and headed into the elevator. A few floors down, a woman got on with me, and we struck up a conversation. Her name was Deborah Shlian, and she has published five or six novels. She was incredibly nice, and we ended up getting coffee together and talking for about half an hour. She was so friendly and gave me some tips on getting published. I ended up buying one of her books and she signed it for me. I couldn't believe my luck, and was so thankful that I hadn't decided to sleep in! You never know what you might miss out on.

To Kellyn: Future writer. Wonderful to meet you!
Deborah Shlian

Saturday turned out to be a very exciting day. This was the day that the Guest Speaker, Jeffrey Deaver, spoke. He is the author of over 22 novels, two of which have been made into films. I had seen one of them, "The Bone Collector", a few years ago. It stars Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington. That movie forever changed the way I think of taxis, and if you have seen the movie, then you know what I am referring to. He was a really humorous speaker, and it was so interesting to listen to him talk about the way he develops and writes his novels. Afterward, I purchased two of his books, got to have him sign both of them, and I even got my picture with him! (I was silently trying to soak up some of his literary talent!)


He was such a nice, accomodating guy, he signed books for everyone who asked, even staying much later than his handler wanted him to. He never seemed impatient or too good. That was actually one thing that pleasantly surprised me. There were many authors at the conference, and they were all so kind and open to talking to anyone who was looking for advice. For some reason, I assumed the published authors wouldn't want to mingle with aspiring authors like myself, but there were no egos to be found.

That evening, I got the chance to explore the town of Franklin, Tennessee. I met a girl, Rachel, who actually grew up in the Seattle area, but moved to Franklin with her mom two years ago. She was so sweet, and we had many things in common. She was kind enough to drive me downtown Saturday night. I got to take pictures of the cute, historic buildings that line the road. My pictures simply cannot do the town justice. It was absolutely adorable. I also got to shop at What's In Store, a small boutique where a lot of Nashville stars - Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, etc. - shop. That was the only shop I got to go in though, because apparently things close quite early in the south...like as early as 5pm...on a Saturday!




So after walking up and down the street, we had dinner at a pizza restaurant, and then got to tour some more. The next stop was to the two town cemeteries, which are right across the street from one another. Unfortunately I didn't have my good camera with me, and since it was already dark out, my pictures are not the best, but you can imagine how creepy it was. We were standing on a pitch black street in front of these centuries-old cemeteries, while a thunder and lightning storm was going on. It was almost like reading a mystery novel, I couldn't write this stuff! It was creepy, but very cool at the same time.



After the cemeteries we drove out to the Carnton Plantation, which was the site of one of the biggest battles in the Civil War, where in the span of four hours one evening, over 1,700 Confederate soldiers lost their lives. The home was turned into a make-shift hospital. Apparently blood stains can still be seen on the floors of the bedrooms, where the injured and dead were laid. The owners of the Carnton Plantation, at the time, allotted part of their property to be used for a cemetery. It is the largest private military cemetery in the country. I took some pictures of it, but unfortunately because of the lighting, none of them turned out. It was another eerie experience. I love history, and being in a place where so many lost their lives, there are no words.

Sunday was our last day of classes. By 2pm, the conference was over. I spent the afternoon and evening relaxing at the hotel, enjoying my final few hours of not having to change diapers or make meals. While the conference was a blast, those four days away from my boys were about as much as I could handle.

The only blip in my trip happened Sunday night as I was packing my bags. I got a call from my mom that my dad was at the hospital, and most likely was going to have his appendix taken out. I felt bad that I couldn't be there for them, and that my mom couldn't immediately go be with my dad, since she was babysitting the boys. Thankfully her friend Laurie was able to come sit with them after they went to bed, and my mom got to be at my dad's side. I was in constant contact with my mom, as well as my in-laws, who were so sweet and wanted to check on the status of my dad's condition. Turns out it wasn't his appendix, but actually diverticulitis. He has been taking antibiotics and getting great medical treatment, and is on the road to recovery. The best news is that he got to go home last night!

It has been comforting for me to get home, be with my boys, and know that my dad is getting better. While writing is my passion, and something I hope to continue with and improve at, this trip showed me that family truly is the most important thing in my life, and I am blessed to not only have a wonderful husband and two great sons, but also an awesome extended family of Millers and MacQuarries. I am one lucky girl.

Eat. Pray. Murder.

Hey, ya'll! I have arrived in Tennessee, and am officially done with Day One of classes. Things are going great, I have to say. The only thing bringing me down, (aside from having serious separation anxiety from my babies), is the fact that my body clock is all out of whack. Ohhh, how I long for the days of youth when jet lag did not affect me. Sigh.

However, while my body screams for blessed sleep, my brain will not comply, so I decided to give you all a quick update on my adventures out here.

EAT

My trip got off to a pleasant start. Big thanks to my Dad's work for flying him out to Virginia pretty much every week this summer! Because of those trips, he racked up quite a few miles on Continental that he didn't think he would get around to using - and he was kind of enough to give them to me! And, even better, he had enough to book me in a First Class seat! Yes. A. MAZ. ING. The only thing I could think about though, was how nice it would be to have First Class seats when traveling with my children - oh, the leg room! And the arm room! So much space! I hardly knew what to do with myself. So I celebrated with a complimentary margarita, obviously.

We landed in Houston for a short layover. It was approximately dinner time, so I headed to the food court to find something to eat. As I mentioned a few days ago, I have a fear of airplane bathrooms. I avoid them at all costs. Seriously. Whenever I travel I usually arrive at my destination positively dehydrated, because I won't drink an ounce of a beverage out of fear that I will need to use the lavatory. So I go to the food court, planning on finding something that will fill me up, but won't be too rich, in order to avoid any unwanted tummy/bathroom issues on my next flight, (you all know what I'm talking about here). These were my food options:

Donuts
Ice Cream
BBQ Sandwiches
Something huge and greasy that looked like a pulled pork sandwich
McDonald's

I must be in the south!

Thankfully, one of the restaurants had a plain green salad with a plain chicken breast. While not exciting, I did not have to contend with any unpleasant bodily issues on the following flight, which was good because...

PRAY

I did not have First Class on the second flight, because there was no First Class section. I was on one of the smallest planes I have ever ridden on. As soon as I stepped onto the plane, I felt my heart start racing. Small enclosed space...recirculated air...nighttime flying...thunderstorms in the forecast for this evening...It was all too much! As soon as I got strapped into my seat I just started praying. And praying. And praying some more. And when, just seconds after take-off, we made a sharp right turn, and the plane was shaking, and I just knew we were going to plummet to the ground, I prayed some more. Thankfully, I was so exhausted from the day at that point, that I pretty much passed out for the remainder of the flight.

MURDER

The Killer Nashville Murder Mystery Writer's Conference started today. I can't believe it's only been one day, I feel like I have learned so much already. I took classes on how to write engaging and purposeful dialogue, how to pace a novel, and how to become a best-selling author. Since it is a murder mystery conference though, I sprinkled in some 'for-fun' classes, such as how cop TV shows are terribly inaccurate, as well as a fascinating class about a cold-case murder that remains unsolved.

Throughout the day, I had the pleasure of making new friends, talking with people who, like me, hope to be published one day, as well as talking with a few who already have been published - and had some great advice to offer.

I know that I will come home from this conference feeling inspired, in fact, I have already begun working on a new novel idea, and even have another one floating around in my head. I am so glad that I ended up coming out here, it has all been worth it.

Flying

I never used to be afraid of flying. I loved to travel, and I had a list of all the cities in the U.S. that I wanted to visit. I got an Alaska Airlines credit card about four years ago, so that I could rack up miles and then take short weekend trips to places I wanted to see. That was the plan, anyway.

And then I had kids.

Nowadays, my fear of flying only seems to get worse. Prior to having children, I always felt that, should my plane go down, then it must just be my time to go. I have so much more to lose now, though. And the thing that really bothers me, is not so much the fact that I will be dead, (although I do fear not being able to watch my children grow up), but the thought that my children won't have any tangible memories of me. While I'm sure family members would try to keep me alive for them in a sense, I would never be more real than people they read about in books; and I fear that they would never know how much I love them, if I am not here to tell them myself. These are the terrifying thoughts that cross my mind the entire time I am on a flight.

Luckily for me, the majority of the time that I do fly someplace now, I have my children with me. Traveling with children is a pretty big production, and attempting to keep them occupied and prevent them from going into total meltdown-toddler-drama-rama while in-flight is a great distraction for me. I am usually so busy trying to stay one step ahead of their short attention spans, that I don't have a chance to think about that fact that I am floating 39,000 feet above the earth's surface. The few times I have flown without them though, have been when I am going to visit Richard, and once I am with him, the trip seems worth it, even though I am white-knuckled for the whole flight.

In one week I am leaving for Nashville to attend a writer's conference. I am so excited for the opportunity to meet published writers, network with agents and editors, and learn more about writing and getting published. This is sure to be a positive experience for me. Add to that the fact that I have always wanted to visit Nashville, so I am very much looking forward to going into the city and seeing the sights.

As far as my flights are concerned though, I. Am. Terrified.

I am so afraid that as my fear builds over the next week, that by the time I board the plane, I will become that crazy chick who cries the whole way to Nashville, and all the strangers on my flight will be Facebooking and Tweeting about the emotional wreck they had to sit next to.

I was telling my mom about my new-found fear of flying, and she said the same thing happened to her once she had kids, but she went on to say that you just have to live your life and do the things that you love, despite any fears you may have. Since she's got almost thirty years more experience at this than I do, I asked her, hopefully, if it ever gets better.

Her response? No.

Awesome.

But I keep telling myself that writing is my passion, and aside from being with my husband and kids, it is the one thing that I love, have always loved, and want to pursue in this life. So, if there were ever a reason for me to get on a plane and face my fear, this is it. Sigh.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to get through a flight without weeping uncontrollably, or reaching for the air-sickness bag and/or multiple vodka sodas?