My husband thinks email is just a fad.

My husband is not technologically skilled in the least.

Sure, he can work his way around an XBox without breaking a sweat, and new video games are hardly challenging to him. But cell phones? Email? Facebook? All those crazy, new-fangled inventions just really aren't a part of his vocabulary.

He has a phone, but I have to remind him to turn it on. And forget about leaving him a voice mail, he'll never get it. Periodically, I will listen to his messages to make sure he didn't miss anything important, and then delete them so that his mail box doesn't get full. I'd say his messages are usually two to three weeks old by the time I hear them. Somehow he managed to learn everything there is to know about video gaming, yet he never bothered to learn computer basics or keep up with cell phone advancements. I think if he could have his way, he would use one of those old Nokia phones from 1999, with the large number buttons and no texting capability.

*            *               *                *               *

So this is your new phone?

Yep, I really like it. You should play around with it and if you like it too we can get you one like it.

I can't get it to turn on.

It's a touch screen.

What's that mean?

You need to slide your finger across it to unlock it.

Ok....what's all this stuff on the screen? Where do I go to just make a phone call?

Those are widgets to check email, Twitter, Facebook and other stuff. It's awesome, there is so much you can do on it. It's a smart phone.

Yeah. Can I just get a dumb phone?

*            *               *                *               *

Uh, is this the cord to charge the iPad?

Yep.

(Long pause) Why is it not charging?

You need to plug it into the computer.

What? Then what's this wall charger for?

The Kindle.

So what does the iPad plug into?

The computer.

What? What's THAT look like?


You need the one with the USB plug.

(Heavy sigh) What's a USB?! I don't understand all these cords.

*            *               *                *               *

Sometimes I feel like I'm married to an 80 year old.

Then again, that's really not fair to say since my 91 year old Grandpa has an iPad, emails me regularly, and is active on Facebook.


A few weeks ago Husband's AOL account was hacked into, and his account was sending spam email to everyone on his contacts list. After several unsuccessful attempts to change his password, (he used his email account so rarely, he forgot the answers to his security questions), I told him to just delete the AOL account all together and set up a new email account with a different server.

*            *               *                *               *

I don't want a new email account. I want to be done with this altogether.

You're kidding, right? You have to have an email account.

But why?

BECAUSE IT IS THE YEAR TWO-THOUSAND-ELEVEN.

*            *               *                *               *

On the plus side, at least I know we're never going to have an Anthony Weiner-type situation on our hands.

Even if the trade-off means I have to send a homing pigeon to Husband to find out what he wants for dinner on any given day.

Addict

So Richard decided to join Facebook this past week.

Which was great. For about five minutes. Then he discovered Facebook games, and that was all he cared about.

*    *    *    *    *

Richard, you should comment on my status.

Sure, sure, I will, but I am advancing my civilization right now. This game is SO awesome you have to play it.

Um, I don't play Facebook games. Why don't you talk to someone on Facebook? That's why most people have Facebook - it's a social network. We socialize. Not play games.

*    *    *    *    *

Aside from the occasional time-killer here and there, I've never been into Facebook games. Earlier this year, it seemed like most of my friends were crazy about them, and every day my Facebook account was flooded with invites to harvest a field in Farmville,  or join someone's Mafia, or help a friend bake a billion cupcakes in Cafe World. 

It just wasn't my thing, and I ignored all of them. I didn't get what was so enticing about a fake farm, or a fake mafia or fake cupcakes - Hello! That is just plain wrong. If I am going to help you bake cupcakes I better get to freaking eat one at the end of all that work.

But it seemed as though my friends had stopped playing their games. Or perhaps they just realized I wasn't going to assist them. In any case, I had stopped getting those invites.

Until Richard joined Facebook.

All the sudden I was once again being bombarded by these invites to help him build his ancient civilization in City of Wonder. But I couldn't simply hit "Ignore", because two seconds later Richard would come hound me about it in person. There was no escape!

*    *    *    *    *

Listen Richard, I can't help you with your game. I have a reputation to uphold.

On Facebook?

Yes.

What does that even mean?

It means I don't play Facebook games, okay?

*    *    *    *    *

And I was all snooty and so above any of that game-playing.

He begged me to play his game - to just try it. I finally caved and agreed I would give it a try the next day while he had duty. 

After I fed the boys their breakfast that morning I remembered my promise, and decided to take a quick look at the game before showering and starting on the laundry and my long list of chores for the day. 

Next thing I know, it's FIVE HOURS LATER, I'm still in pajamas, my hair is greasy from lack of shower, our laundry hasn't been touched, my mascara from the day before is smudged under my eyes and I can't leave my computer - not for more than two minutes - or my civilization might fall into ruin!

I. Was. Addicted.

I spent $25 dollars of REAL MONEY on this game buying myself gold - FAKE gold. 

Real money for fake gold. 

On what planet does that make sense?? And yet, I couldn't stop myself. I had to increase my monies.

Richard called me in the evening to discuss the game. I told him how irritated I was at him for getting me so addicted to this dumb game that I could not quit playing.

*    *    *    *    *

You're my husband! You're not supposed to get me hooked on bad things like this.

I know! It's super fun, right? I just hope you're remembering to feed the kids, hahaha...

What kids.

*    *    *    *    *

Don't worry, the children got dinner...eventually. WHAT!

Tomorrow we are planning to take the kids to the park, far far away from any computers or ancient civilizations. If that doesn't do the trick, you may see me wind up on "Intervention", eyes bloodshot, with week-old Cheetos stuck in my ratted hair. 

OMG someone stop me please.

Online Dating

With our anniversary earlier this week, I found myself thinking about the road that got us to this point, and how my life truly did change in that instant when I met Richard. 

We talk about it often, and it still amazes us both how many things had to go exactly right in order for us to meet in the moment that we did. I think it was just meant to be.

Sometimes though, I wonder what my life would be like if I had never met and married Richard. I'm pretty sure I'd still be single. Living in my parents' basement, probably with five cats by this time, and watching romantic comedies every Saturday night before crying myself to sleep.

What?

I'm just guessing.

I'm thankful that I met my husband, because I honestly have no idea where you're supposed to meet your spouse once you get out of college.

In 2006 I decided to try my luck at online dating. The first site I used was eHarmony. Most of the guys matched up with me were older, uptight, without a sense of humor. I have no idea how we got matched because I love to laugh and I get so uncomfortable when I am having a conversation with someone who all but refuses to laugh or even crack a smile.

I went on one date with this red-headed guy who barely made eye contact with me the whole time, he was so shy. I remember thinking how ridiculous it was that my mom made me give her his full name and where we were going on our date in case I wound up missing or dead. Clearly, this guy couldn't even hold a conversation with me, I seriously doubted his ability to hold a murder weapon.

Another time, I went to dinner with a guy who was obsesssed - OBSESSED - with Mariners baseball. They're not even a good team! I mean, I root for the M's, cause I got hometown pride, but seriously dude, they're not a good team. Anyway, so after he had chatted about the Mariners for an hour, he was trying to describe himself to me and this is what he said:


Guy: You know that movie, 40 Year Old Virgin?


Me: Yes...


Guy: And you know that scene where they show his apartment and he's got all those action figures still in their original boxes? And they cover like every single inch of his house?


Me: Yes.


Guy: That's totally me. It's almost like that movie was about me. 

Then he smiled. Like that was actually supposed to impress me.

Then there was some preppy jerk from Bellevue that got matched up with me, and he just kept writing these long messages talking about how awesome and rich he was, and how lucky I would be if I got to go on a date with him. So I deleted him.

After I didn't have much luck on eHarmony, I decided to try Match.com. I heard about Match from a former coworker of mine who had been rejected from eHarmony since she was a four-time divorcee. She ended up meeting her fifth husband on Match and they had a "lovely Pagan wedding" or something crazy like that.

I was even further discouraged on Match. Most of the guys that lined up with my search requests seemed to already have kids from multiple previous relationships, or were divorced a few times over (probably lots of other eHarmony rejects, I assumed). 

But then. The last straw.

A guy I went to high school with found me on Match and started messaging me.

Oh holy lord of all that is embarrassing!

Not only was it a guy that:

A) I had never liked, let alone been attracted to, that was now trying to hook up with me via online dating, but 

B) I figured he was already starting a phone tree with all of our former classmates, telling them that I was a pathetic loser.

Reason #37 why I am not going to my high school reunion.

And that was the end of my online dating foray.

For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with online dating. I have several friends who have found their true loves online, and I think that the internet has opened up the amazing ability for us to connect with The One, even if the The One lives thousands of miles away.

It just didn't work for me.

But I'm not complaining.

I think it all worked out for the best.

Tweezer Ninja

It doesn't take much to scare me.

A horror film, a book about ghosts, a creepy story told around the campfire - any number of things can get into my brain and when night falls, and I am alone, my imagination starts to run wild.

At the beginning of this week I was met with a few frightening tales I read online. The internet is a scary place, my friends. I read some unsettling stories of other bloggers having photos of their children stolen from their sites and used for various reasons. Then I read a horrible story of a Navy wife who was murdered while her husband was on deployment. With her killer still at large, the internet adds a whole new dimension to the case, since she was active on social networking sites. 

Being on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Flickr, or having a blog, and taking advantage of the awesome networking possibilities that the internet has to offer is so much fun. It can be easy to forget that there is a dark side to all of it though. There are bad people out there, with bad intentions. 

So these are the things that have been on my mind all week. 

Last night I kept hearing strange noises in the house. I'm pretty sure it was just the kids moving around in the cribs, but OMG it is so much louder at 11 o' clock at night! 

I couldn't sleep. I went out to watch TV, but the only thing on at that time is the news, and all they want to talk about is people getting murdered. 

And I hate that we have these big windows on the side of our house, and I haven't put curtains on them, and the outside light burned out like three months ago, so I can't see out the windows once it gets dark...but you can totally see IN.

So I naturally assume that there is always some serial killer or home invader just standing outside the window, dressed all in black with a hoodie pulled over his head - super creepy like - and he is staring at me. 

His gun/knife/nunchucks gleeming in the moonlight.

And he just watches me. 

So I act really tough when I walk by the windows, to give off the impression that he totally can't handle THIS.

Sometimes I yell toward the bedroom and have a super loud, pretend conversation with my husband and I mention how he is big and scary and has military training on how to kill people, so you should just move along to the next house, Mr. Serial Killer, because we are definitely not helpless victims for you to prey on.

Last night, just to prove this point, I brought my tweezers out to the family room with me and waved them around to show that I have some seriously sharp tweezers and I know how to use them.

So if any bad persons are reading this, and considering doing harm to my family or me, you would be wise to forget it, because this is one tweezer-wielding chick you don't wanna mess with.