Faith

I got a message on Facebook the other day from a friend's ex-boyfriend. He was writing to ask about my friend, but I guess he had been looking at my profile, and he saw what my religious beliefs are, and he started his message like this:

"WOW! I had no idea you are Christian, that's cool. I like Jesus too..." And then he continued with his message.

I thought that was a weird thing to say, and I responded by telling him that, yes, I am a Christian, and have been my whole life. Rather than just moving on, he responded with:

"No, seriously, I had no idea that you were a Christian. I guess we never really talked very much though, and all I knew about you was from what my ex-girlfriend told me about you."

So at that point I was feeling pretty offended. No, seriously, I had no idea you were a Christian?? The way he wrote it was almost like a kick in the gut. I started thinking, well what exactly did I do that made him think I wasn't a Christian? And all he knew about me was from what his ex, (my so-called friend), told him, so what exactly was SHE saying about me? 

I have made many mistakes in my life, I know that I am far from perfect. Regardless, it got me thinking about my actions in public, and how strangers or even just acquaintances perceive me. If everyone I knew were given a pop quiz on me today, would they think I am a Christian?

I will be the first to admit that my relationship with Christ is a very private one. I hate praying in front of people. I am comfortable doing it in front of my children and with Richard, but that's about it. With anyone else, I get very self-conscious. Rather than being able to focus on the prayer I am saying, I get busy thinking about which words to use/not talking too fast/not talking too slow/not being too quiet/not switching words/not thinking of two words at the same time and combining them on accident to make a nonsensical word/not breathing weird, and a million other things. I mean, these are the thoughts that fill my head when I have to pray in public, so, yeah, it really doesn't work for me.

And I know there are many people who are comfortable going around, sharing their faith with anyone they meet. They can be charismatic and at ease while doing so, and it doesn't come across as obnoxious, arrogant, or self-righteous. I just don't think I could be like that. My unease would show through and I wouldn't seem genuine.

My faith helps me in many ways, and is my source of strength in times of struggle. Knowing that God is in charge and has a plan for our life, is something I cling to desperately during the times when Richard is gone.

I have come to find that believing in God is super helpful as a parent also. Because of my faith, I realized that I have a killer response for my boys when they get to the age where they ask never-ending questions:

"Mommy, why is the sky blue?"

"Because God made it that way."

"Mommy, why do I have 10 fingers?"

"Because God made us that way."

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

"Because God-...er, uh...Well, God made Daddies, so you should go ask your Dad that question."

I mean, it's like 99% reliable. 

I don't know what Atheist parents do, they probably spend their entire day having to look things up in books, and get stats and facts to support their reasoning. They probably don't have any free time whatsoever. Yet another reason to be a Christian!

Seriously though, my faith in Christ is very important to me; it is the most important thing in my life. While I strive to be a good child of Christ, I fail at it every day. I am often disappointed in myself, and I never feel worthy of the salvation He has given me. And yet, I know I have it. I hope that while I may not be as forthcoming in speaking about my faith, that my actions and words on this blog will align with the life that God wants me to live.

Best Buds

Electricity Nazi

When I was a kid, I thought my dad was an electricity Nazi. He would go around the house, turning off all the lights, telling us that we were burning electricity, and don't we know how much it costs to keep the lights on?? Sometimes he would even turn a light off in a room that I was in.

When fall/winter would arrive my mom and I would be freezing but my dad wouldn't let us turn the heater on until at least November 1st, claiming that the heater was too expensive to run any earlier than that. I couldn't wait to be older and have a place of my own. I just knew that I would leave lights on as long as I wanted, and turn the heater on whenever I felt the slightest chill - because I could!

It's funny how life works. Even funnier when I had to start paying my own bills. 

And WOW, electricity is not cheap, my friends. Turns out, I am a worse electricity Nazi than my dad was. If it's daytime, I try to avoid turning any lights on, if at all possible. The biggie though, the heater? That's a tough one. Last year I told myself I would adhere to my dad's old rule - no heat until November 1st. The last thing we needed was for a $550.00 bill to show up from the electric company just in time for Christmas...cause that's never happened, (I hate you, electric company!). So I was bent on being strict about the heat and just dressing the boys and me in lots of layers. 

By mid-September I could feel the cracks in my armor appearing. At night, I would be so cold that my teeth would chatter as we lay in bed, even though I had on fleece pants, two pairs of socks and two sweatshirts. I was NOT going to turn that heater on though. Richard would sigh impatiently and tell me to just go turn it on.

"We have children, Kellyn. We can't let them freeze, this is ridiculous."

"They're....fine...(uncontrollable teeth chatter)...I put...three sets...of PJs...on them...(uncontrollable teeth chatter)."

Well, I lost. Apparently I have a very low tolerance for cold. Before October even arrived we had the heater running from 8am to 7pm. Mmmm that heat felt so GOOD though, I didn't care!

Until the electric bill arrived.

So this year I am going to try really hard to avoid turning the heater on. I am aiming for November 1st again, which I know will not be easy. The Universe is gearing up for the battle already. It's still August, and the weather is storming outside, and my fingers are itching to go switch the heater on...just a little...but I won't! I will be strong. I think.

Oh, and on a related note, my dad, the former electricity Nazi, has gotten soft in the last few years. I was shocked to go to their house last September and find the heater on high AND the fireplace going! I quietly asked my mom how she had managed to turn the heater on without my dad noticing, and to my surprise, she said that HE had been the one to turn it on.

Maybe the boys and I will just camp out at their house until November 1st. Take that, Universe!

My Web Log

I remember when blogging was still a novel idea; when some people still referred to it as "web-logging". This labor of love that you are reading right now is actually my third blog. My first one was on the blogspot network in 2002/2003, and then I moved to the Xanga site from 2003-2004.

Then I stopped blogging. I was caught up in finishing college, finding a job, spending every night out with my coworkers, Facebooking, finding a husband...you know, important stuff. I was too busy for a blog.

Then I found myself, six years later, with a college degree, a husband, two kids, and no job...at least not one that I get paid for in real money. Things have changed mightily for me in the last few years; all wonderful things. But I found myself having some time on my hands, with a need to express myself creatively. I attempted some artistic expression last year with my short venture in driftwood art. The majority of my creations were purchased by my mom though, so - while grateful for her love and support - I decided I should try another route.

Writing has always been my passion. I can't even explain the feeling I get when I write. It's so fulfilling, having the words flow from my fingertips. It's soothing for me. Every morning I wake up, and wonder what I will write about that day, but I have to wait for it. And at some point, sure enough, the words - a story, will come into my head. At that point, I have to commit it to "paper", (i.e. my blog), or I might lose it.

So I created this blog. I found I was in good company. LOTS of company. Apparently, since I was last a part of the blogosphere, everyone and their goat has started a blog.

I read many, they are thoughtful, touching and hilarious. There are many, many good blogs out there. There are also many bad ones. It is a bit frustrating, I feel like the bad blogs sort of lower the stock of blogs as a whole. You know, the guy who blogs about what his cat eats for dinner every night, while completely neglecting proper grammar, punctuation and spelling. It's because of that guy, that when I mention to some people that I have a blog, they kind of raise their eyebrows, going, "Ohhh, right. A blog", like it's the red-headed step-child of the writing world.

Sigh.

Not everyone feels this way though. In fact, blogging is growing as its own form of writing. There are even conferences held annually for bloggers. It is my dream to attend one. Some of my favorite blog writers have been speakers there, and I am sure there is much to gain from those conferences.

For me, blogging offers the opportunity to stay at home with my babies, while still getting to create and express my thoughts through writing. This blog allows me to vent when I need to - and it is a heck of a lot cheaper than therapy!

I also feel like maybe it eases the pain, just a little, every month when my parents go to write a check for my student loans. Sure, I don't have some well-paying corporate job, and maybe I've never written a best-selling novel, but I've got a blog, Mom and Dad! I am putting those expensive valuable college skills to work!

The only thing though, is that a lot of the popular blogs, the ones that are actually making money for what they do, all seem to be networked already. They've got ads and they are golden. I can't help but wonder if I have joined the party too late? Not that I started this blog to make money - although I'm not going to turn someone down if they want to sponsor my site, (Gerber? Old Navy? Target? Call me!!) - I just hope that there is still room for my blog. Not that I think mine is amazing...although I do try to make it more entertaining than writing about what my cat eats for dinner.

Plus, my mom says she likes my blog, and she wouldn't lie.

Lovey-Dovey Brain

One nice thing about deployment is that Richard and I get along GREAT. Like, perfect. This isn't to say that we don't get along when he is home, but, when he is on deployment we basically go six months without having any disagreements or squabbles, because really, there is nothing to argue about. We just miss each other so much, and after awhile, we kind of develop lovey-dovey brain, where everything the other person does is wonderful and awesome and oh! we just love each other sooo much! I know that I have been hit by the lovey-dovey bug when I start missing Richard's half-empty Coca-Cola cans and crumpled candy wrappers laying all around the house, (which is normally one of my biggest pet peeves).

Lovey-dovey brain isn't a bad thing though, it feels pretty good and helps get me through the sad times of deployment, so I just embrace it and enjoy the ride. One thing that lovey-dovey-brained-Kellyn really likes to do is reminisce. I often think back to the day that I met Richard. I can still clearly see in my mind the first time that I saw him, and it's so funny to me now, to think that I had no idea in that moment that that was the man who would become my husband, and change my whole life. I was working the table for the Everett Mall at a Naval Homecoming. I was busy setting fliers and coupons out when I looked up, and locked eyes with a sailor. His eyes were stunning. As he continued onto the next table, I turned to my boss, Julie, and said, "Oh my gosh, did you see that guy? His eyes were gorgeous!" In my head, I assumed that would be the last of him, but it wasn't. We got to talking on the pier while waiting for the ship to pull in, he asked for my number, then called me two hours later, and the rest is history.

Stories of how couples meet are so fun, I enjoy hearing about how two people got together. I love our story, and I can't wait to share it with our children when they are older, and then our grandchildren sometime in the distant future.

Today I would like to hear some of your stories though - even if you think I have heard it before. If you are interested, please share in the comments section how you met your spouse and what first impressions you had of the person who ultimately became your spouse. If both you and your spouse read this blog, I would like to hear from both of you; it would be interesting to hear two different sides of the same story.

Tough Times

Oh, sorry. I don't mean to talk while my mouth is full.

I was just eating my words.

A big heaping bowl of my words.

You see, I used to say that I thought a lot of the problems associated with the 'terrible twos' were related to how the parents approached this stage in a child's life. I assumed that if the parent was an overly dramatic individual and didn't understand the reasoning behind why toddlers act the way they do, then those parents would freak out over every little thing, when really, age two is such a fun time!

Oh, hold on, gotta eat some more of my words here.

Yeah, we've been struggling lately. We are in the thick of this two year tug of war, Jacob and me. Every night after I put the boys to bed I just collapse on the couch, completely spent after yet another day of Jacob hitting, and throwing, and crying, and screaming, and pushing, and whining, and tantrum-ing. It is exhausting. It seems as though we have really reached a high point in this past week.

It's frustrating for me, it's frustrating for him. I wish that Richard were here to help. Sure, he'd probably be about as clueless in this field as I am, but we could be clueless together. And then when I am feeling totally drained, I could at least say, "Tag, you're it!" then run and hide in the bathroom for half an hour and just breathe in some silence, while he dealt with the two year old alien that has decided to inhabit our home. I feel like calling some customer service number and complaining that my baby is defective - my once sweet, gentle infant has turned into an unpredictable time bomb. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through a field of mines, except in this scenario, the mines are tantrums. Sigh.

Today has been another difficult one. While I realize that with some better planning on my part we could have avoided some of our issues, I still feel absolutely depleted. Jacob had been crying for so long that he was gasping for air, Ryan had started whimpering, and so I decided there was nothing else to do but join in. And we all cried. Now my eyes itch and my head hurts and I could really use an adult beverage, but that will just have to wait a couple more months until I've got a backup parent on duty.

Just when I get to thinking that I am on my last nerve and I start wondering if there is a time limit on returning children, (I could have sworn I saved that receipt...), Jacob goes and does this:
Awwww my sweet, precious angel! That smile is heavenly, who couldn't love that little face? I don't know why people complain about this age, it is so much fun! The twos are terrific!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words