Seven Months!

Husband and I are having a really difficult time believing that Boo is already 7 months. When did this happen?! Our sweet, precious babe is just growing up way too fast. He crawls everywhere, and last week he stood for almost a full 10 seconds. I knew that having older siblings would make him want to keep up with them, but I'm not sure I'm ready for my baby to be changing this quickly. He is so stink in' adorable, though. Always ready with a smile, a giggle, and his latest cute feature - scrunching his nose. We're just crazy about him. I remember the whole time I was pregnant with Boo, aside from praying for a healthy, happy baby, I prayed that God would send us a child that would be the perfect addition to our family. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect fit; it's like he has always been with us. We are so blessed to have each one of our three sons. I love watching them grow, (even if it is bittersweet at times).

The Difference a Year Makes

Things have been absolutely amazing for Binker as of late. He is just positively blossoming. His language has been exploding, his social interactions are improving, and he is exhibiting more typical behavior on a daily basis. I could not be more pleased with these recent changes in him. I plan to write a more detailed post, in the next couple of days, about all of his positive changes and the new things he is doing. 

I was struck today though, as I browsed through some of my older blog posts and came across one I wrote almost a year ago. I never actually published it, I just saved the draft. It was written shortly after we began heading down the autism road, uncertain of what we were facing. My husband was on (yet another) underway with his ship, I was about four months pregnant, and well, completely overwhelmed. I remember how I felt, writing that post. I was heartbroken, scared, unsure. All I wanted was a looking glass, so that I could see the future; I just wanted to fast-forward so badly, and know that everything would be okay.

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May 24, 2011

This afternoon I found myself standing over my kitchen sink eating from a spoon that had peanut butter with chocolate sauce on it.

I am feeling overwhelmed. Life. Sometimes it can just become a bit too much, and lately I feel like I have reached my limit and am now in the red. I have broken down to my mom more times than I would like to admit, (husband is about 2,000 miles away with his ship right now).

I hate crying, and I can't even tell you how many strangers I have started crying to - completely out of the blue.

It. Sucks.

We have so much going on, and I feel so ill-equipped to handle it all.

Pregnancy. Jacob's speech development issues. Ryan's skin rash that won't go away. All of the vitamins and oils and probiotics I am supposed to be getting in my kids every day. Richard's college stuff - paperwork and bills that are suddenly popping up out of nowhere, when the LAST thing we need to do is add more money to our credit card. Trying to get Jacob into preschool. Trying to stay on top of everything while not completely falling apart.

But I am. Today I am, anyway. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more in charge, but for right now? I can't help but think there is no way I can handle all of this, and I don't understand why God thinks I can.

I want a vacation from life. I wish I could freeze time here, and just hideaway for a little while on some tropical island recharging my brain.

Normally I am fine when Richard is gone on underways, I'm used to them at this point, and, frankly, sometimes they are nice because they allow me the chance to just focus on the kids and housework and stay in my pajamas all day and not worry about doing my hair or makeup.

This time though, I am just frustrated. I want my husband home, here with us. I need him here, I need his moral support, I need to feel like I am not completely on my own while wading through these uncertain waters.

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We have in no way reached the end of our journey, and we still have lots of ground to cover, but my life is completely changed from where it was one year ago. The way I felt then, to the way I feel today could not be more different. Binker has come so far, baby Boo is here - happy and healthy, Bug is my defiant yet sweet three year old, and my husband has a job that brings him back home to me every night. 

I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father for his faithfulness, and love during the difficult times we've seen, and I am blessed by my husband, children, extended family, and amazing friends, both new and old.

Happy Mother's Day

My mom is amazing.

I know lots of people say that about their moms, but my mom is one of a kind. Seriously, she could hands-down beat your mom in a Best Mom contest any day, only, she wouldn't do that, cause she is way too nice. I have even had this verified by non-related persons, if you still don't believe me.

Growing up, my mom was my whole world. Sweet, understanding, gentle, caring, loving. She always had a smile on her face, and a hug to offer. I adored my mom when I was a kid. As I grew older, our relationship only got better. While my mom might disagree, I'm really not sure, I'd have to say that I don't think I ever went through that obnoxious teenage girl phase you often hear about. We stayed close, and I was never embarrassed of her. And even though I would sometimes roll my eyes at her advice to me through middle school and high school, I always took it to heart. She was never condescending, she just spoke from experience and I appreciated that. I looked up to her; I wanted to be just like her, and live my life as she had lived hers.

Obviously I have failed in many aspects. I fail every day. Anytime I lose my patience with my kids, or raise my voice, I feel crestfallen. I don't ever remember a time my mom yelled at us, or was too busy. I know there were times when we must have driven her crazy, but they must have also been very rare, since none are imprinted on my mind.

When I think of my mom, I think of someone who has endless patience; a trait I would pay money for if I could.

As I got older, went on to college and got into my twenties, our relationship effortlessly melded into one of true friendship. I can honestly say that for the last several years, my mom has been one of my best friends. I tell her almost everything, and I never tire of her company.

She has been a Godsend to me while Richard is away with the Navy. She sounds happy to talk to me every time I call her, (and during deployments and underways, I can sometimes call her several times a day). She's always willing to go for a walk with the boys and me, or out for a shopping trip to help take my mind off of missing Richard or being lonely. She's never too busy to lend a helping hand, babysit the boys so I can have 30 minutes to myself at the grocery store, or run up extra diapers if I suddenly run out. She is simply amazing and beautiful - not only on the outside, but her soul as well.

It wasn't until I was a teenager before I realized that not every one has a mom as wonderful as I do, and I can't tell you how many times I have thanked God for blessing me with such an amazing mother, of whom I am totally undeserving. She just radiates love and happiness. She's truly a lovely, genuine human being, and I am so very lucky I can claim her as mine.

While I feel most days that I fail to meet the standard she set for mothering, it doesn't mean that I ever stop trying, hopefully one day I can be the wife, mother and woman that she is.

I love you, mom, Happy Mother's Day.

Family Pictures

My three little loves.

Binker, 4 years; Boo, 6 months; Bug, 3 years.

Much thanks to HR Northwest Photography who captured all of the images!

SIX Months Old!

It's hard to believe Boo has been with us for half of a year. He is so much fun, and such a sweet, happy baby. We fall more in love with him every day. His latest tricks include sitting up by himself, and being thisclose to crawling. I am going to be in trouble soon!

3 days old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

6 months old

Binker Turns 4!

Four years ago, I became a mommy. My beautiful, brown-eyed boy, with that head full of soft, dark hair, came into my life at 4:07am on Thursday, April 24, 2008. He was sweet, and cuddly, and perfect. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing as a mom, but we figured it out together. He has been such a fun boy, and has brought me so many joys and lots of laughter. 

His diagnosis of autism has brought some challenges, and a bit of heartache, but he is still my beautiful boy, with that twinkle in his eye. And I love that he is teaching me to see the world a little differently.

He had an awesome fourth birthday. He was so excited from the moment he woke up, and the day was filled with fun and celebration. He even got a birthday crown, sticker, treats, and was sung to at preschool. After school, we had a birthday lunch, birthday cake, presents, piñata, and then play time at Chuck E. Cheese. Here are some photos from the fun day.

My big four year old

Gluten free/dairy free birthday cake, amazing right?!

Piñata!

Bug, Binker, and Boo

Yummy, cake!

Opening his birthday present from cousin, MJ 

Mama with her sweet boy

Chuck E. Cheese!

For fun, I went back and looked through birthday photos from previous years of Binker. One interesting thing I noticed was that on his second and third birthday I really didn't have any photos of him smiling or even looking at the camera, this year I had a ton. It just reminded me of how much progress he has made. Love my big boy, and can't wait to see what this year brings for him!

This is how I'm feeling tonight.

When your child is born, you can't help but have all kinds of dreams and wishes for them. You wonder things like, will your child be into sports or music? What college will he go to? What will his wife be like?

After autism becomes a part of your life, those questions change drastically.

Forget college, will my child even be able to be in a mainstream classroom? Will he be able to make friends? Will he ever get married?

I took Binker to a birthday party today for a little boy in his class. This boy has not been diagnosed with autism yet, but it seems a lot of the signs are there, and his parents are suspecting it. He and Binker seemed to have a lot of similar characteristics. I can't stop thinking about that little boy, or his family, or my Binker. I can't stop thinking about all of the children and families affected by autism.

When I was young I wasn't allowed to use the phrase "It's not fair". My parents taught me early on that life isn't fair, and I don't care for that saying even now as an adult. But tonight, that's the only thing that keeps going through my mind.

Life isn't fair. Autism isn't fair.

These beautiful children are born into this world, and they deserve every chance and opportunity as anyone else. Yet this disorder interrupts their lives; changes everything. Why? WHY? What is causing this epidemic? 

I feel like so many wonderful things are tainted for me now. Tonight as I sat at our kitchen table having a conversation with Bug, I was enjoying the things that he had to say, and thinking how fun it is that each day I am able to really talk with him more and more. And then this thought crept into my mind: How much would I be able to talk with Binker, if he weren't on the spectrum? What kinds of things would he want to talk about? What interests would he have, and what things would he have to say about the world?

And sometimes when I am playing with Boo, and enjoying his easy smile, I can't help but think back. Did Binker smile this much? Were there signs this early on that I missed? Why didn't I notice something before last year? I kick myself all the time for not getting him into services sooner; if only I'd known.

Earlier this week I was celebrating Binker's progress in speech therapy; it's true, he has come miles from where he was a year ago, and I hope and pray his speed of progress will continue. But tonight I am sad, and just trying so hard to understand why all of these sweet, wonderful children must struggle with ASD. It just isn't fair.