This is how I'm feeling tonight.

When your child is born, you can't help but have all kinds of dreams and wishes for them. You wonder things like, will your child be into sports or music? What college will he go to? What will his wife be like?

After autism becomes a part of your life, those questions change drastically.

Forget college, will my child even be able to be in a mainstream classroom? Will he be able to make friends? Will he ever get married?

I took Binker to a birthday party today for a little boy in his class. This boy has not been diagnosed with autism yet, but it seems a lot of the signs are there, and his parents are suspecting it. He and Binker seemed to have a lot of similar characteristics. I can't stop thinking about that little boy, or his family, or my Binker. I can't stop thinking about all of the children and families affected by autism.

When I was young I wasn't allowed to use the phrase "It's not fair". My parents taught me early on that life isn't fair, and I don't care for that saying even now as an adult. But tonight, that's the only thing that keeps going through my mind.

Life isn't fair. Autism isn't fair.

These beautiful children are born into this world, and they deserve every chance and opportunity as anyone else. Yet this disorder interrupts their lives; changes everything. Why? WHY? What is causing this epidemic? 

I feel like so many wonderful things are tainted for me now. Tonight as I sat at our kitchen table having a conversation with Bug, I was enjoying the things that he had to say, and thinking how fun it is that each day I am able to really talk with him more and more. And then this thought crept into my mind: How much would I be able to talk with Binker, if he weren't on the spectrum? What kinds of things would he want to talk about? What interests would he have, and what things would he have to say about the world?

And sometimes when I am playing with Boo, and enjoying his easy smile, I can't help but think back. Did Binker smile this much? Were there signs this early on that I missed? Why didn't I notice something before last year? I kick myself all the time for not getting him into services sooner; if only I'd known.

Earlier this week I was celebrating Binker's progress in speech therapy; it's true, he has come miles from where he was a year ago, and I hope and pray his speed of progress will continue. But tonight I am sad, and just trying so hard to understand why all of these sweet, wonderful children must struggle with ASD. It just isn't fair.