Things have been absolutely amazing for Binker as of late. He is just positively blossoming. His language has been exploding, his social interactions are improving, and he is exhibiting more typical behavior on a daily basis. I could not be more pleased with these recent changes in him. I plan to write a more detailed post, in the next couple of days, about all of his positive changes and the new things he is doing.
I was struck today though, as I browsed through some of my older blog posts and came across one I wrote almost a year ago. I never actually published it, I just saved the draft. It was written shortly after we began heading down the autism road, uncertain of what we were facing. My husband was on (yet another) underway with his ship, I was about four months pregnant, and well, completely overwhelmed. I remember how I felt, writing that post. I was heartbroken, scared, unsure. All I wanted was a looking glass, so that I could see the future; I just wanted to fast-forward so badly, and know that everything would be okay.
* * * * *
May 24, 2011
This afternoon I found myself standing over my kitchen sink eating from a spoon that had peanut butter with chocolate sauce on it.
I am feeling overwhelmed. Life. Sometimes it can just become a bit too much, and lately I feel like I have reached my limit and am now in the red. I have broken down to my mom more times than I would like to admit, (husband is about 2,000 miles away with his ship right now).
I hate crying, and I can't even tell you how many strangers I have started crying to - completely out of the blue.
It. Sucks.
We have so much going on, and I feel so ill-equipped to handle it all.
Pregnancy. Jacob's speech development issues. Ryan's skin rash that won't go away. All of the vitamins and oils and probiotics I am supposed to be getting in my kids every day. Richard's college stuff - paperwork and bills that are suddenly popping up out of nowhere, when the LAST thing we need to do is add more money to our credit card. Trying to get Jacob into preschool. Trying to stay on top of everything while not completely falling apart.
But I am. Today I am, anyway. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more in charge, but for right now? I can't help but think there is no way I can handle all of this, and I don't understand why God thinks I can.
I want a vacation from life. I wish I could freeze time here, and just hideaway for a little while on some tropical island recharging my brain.
Normally I am fine when Richard is gone on underways, I'm used to them at this point, and, frankly, sometimes they are nice because they allow me the chance to just focus on the kids and housework and stay in my pajamas all day and not worry about doing my hair or makeup.
This time though, I am just frustrated. I want my husband home, here with us. I need him here, I need his moral support, I need to feel like I am not completely on my own while wading through these uncertain waters.
* * * * *
We have in no way reached the end of our journey, and we still have lots of ground to cover, but my life is completely changed from where it was one year ago. The way I felt then, to the way I feel today could not be more different. Binker has come so far, baby Boo is here - happy and healthy, Bug is my defiant yet sweet three year old, and my husband has a job that brings him back home to me every night.
I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father for his faithfulness, and love during the difficult times we've seen, and I am blessed by my husband, children, extended family, and amazing friends, both new and old.
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