Living on the Spectrum

Sitting in the pediatrician's office that evening I felt sick. My stomach was in knots, my throat dry. I knew that tears were not far away, but I did my best to appear strong and composed, as though I had it together. I wanted to make sure I asked questions, and listened - really listened - to the doctor's answers. 

I couldn't stop staring at the piece of paper he held in front of us as he explained the situation we were facing. He said there were several red flags, based on the questionnaire I had filled out about our eldest son.

Loss of speech.

Poor eye contact.

Toe walking.

Jumping. Hand flapping.

No imaginary play. Solitary play.

The doctor refused to make a diagnosis then and there, but in his opinion, Jacob appeared to be exhibiting signs of autism.

Autism.

It was like the world came out from under me. Driving home that night, Husband and I didn't say much. We had so many thoughts and emotions we were trying to process. This had all happened so suddenly. Only a month before, we thought we had a typically-developing two year old, who was picking up new words every day. Then in mid-January we noticed he wasn't talking anymore. At all. In fact, our middle son, 10 months younger than Jacob, was talking more than he was. We knew something wasn't right.

It's been a busy and involved road since that night in the pediatrician's office almost a year ago: Speech therapy, occupational therapy, restrictive diet, dietary supplements, special ed preschool that focuses on speech delays. Lots of prayer.

It's taken me this long to feel ready to talk about it. Until now, I've only shared this part of our lives with a select few. My biggest concern has been that people will treat Jacob differently, or label him. I have said from the beginning, no matter what, autism may be something he has, but it will not be who he is. 

Now though, now that I have some perspective, I am excited to write about our journey. I won't lie. In the beginning, before the therapies started, before I really educated myself about the autism spectrum, I had a lot of fears. There were many days when I literally collapsed onto the floor crying, completely unsure of what my son's future looked like, now that autism was most likely a part of it.

We believe Jacob has what is known as regressive autism, meaning that for approximately the first 2 years, 8 months of his life, he was developing typically, there was no reason for us to be concerned. And then, without warning, he began regressing: losing language, not making eye contact with us, or responding to us; disappearing into his own "world". He began jumping a lot and flapping his hands, also known as "stimming". He would carry out repetitive actions.

This past year though, Jacob has made amazing progress. He went from not using any words, to regularly speaking in four-word sentences. He is beginning to ask "W" questions. He uses imaginary play on a daily basis. He can make choices when given options. His eye contact is stellar, and he often engages with other people. He is awesome at following directions. He knows the entire alphabet - recognizes each letter, knows the sound each letter makes, and can tell you a word that starts with each letter. He can count to 30, and I have lost track of the number of songs he knows by heart.

To someone else, these may all seem very simple, but watching my son learn and master these skills has been amazing for our family. I have watched him struggle so many times; frustrated when he doesn't have the words to express what he is feeling or thinking. So with each new step and task learned, I consider it one more crack in the process of breaking into his world. 

Our focus will remain what it has been this year. Keep pushing Jacob, keep supporting him, keep getting him the services and assistance he needs to continue building on the skills he has learned, and continue expanding his speech. Our ultimate goal at this time, is to have him in a regular classroom by the time he starts kindergarten. I believe he can do it, and we are committed to making it happen.

From now on, I will occasionally be sharing parts of our journey and experiences we have while going through this. I can't wait to see where Jacob will be 6-, 12-, 18-months down the line. I know he will only get better and better.

That January night, sitting across from the pediatrician, the last word that would have come to my mind was Joy. And even though we definitely have struggles and hard days, I have to say that seeing my son learn so much has brought me immense joy. Every little accomplishment is a reason to celebrate. I have also learned that some of my favorite parts of Jacob's personality are probably related to his autism; he wouldn't be the same boy he is without. And I wouldn't change him for anything.

On birthing a 10 pound baby, and other reasons I am done having kids.

             
                 No more kids for me!!

That was the first text I sent after having Boo.

Don't get me wrong. I adore him. The moment I saw him, I fell instantly in love. I kept saying "He's perfect, he's so perfect!"

But.

Between having a nearly-10 pound baby, and receiving a jacked up epidural that only worked on HALF of my body? I can easily say that giving birth to him was the single most painful experience of my life. I told Husband it's a good thing that our first son's birth wasn't that painful or we would have stopped at one kid. 

Obviously Boo was worth all of the pain, but I cringe whenever I think about the experience of having him. And the idea of doing it again is enough to terrify me right into a hysterectomy appointment.

My mom and grandma told me that I am going to jinx myself if I say "no more kids", but from where I stand right now, it would take a miracle for me to change my mind. Plus, as much as I love our new house, I don't know where we would put a fourth kid. I don't even know if I could mentally keep track of four kids.

So, for the time being I am going to love and enjoy the three healthy babies I've got. Whether or not we ever have another child, I will consider myself to be incredibly blessed. Life is so good. These three sweet faces remind me of that every day.

Zebra needs to die.

     So, if you could kill any character in "Madagascar", who would it be?

     Easy. The zebra.

    Really? I think for me, it would have to be the giraffe.

    Oh, no way. I like the giraffe, he actually has some good lines. Plus, it's
    Ross from "Friends", you can't kill off Ross. It has to be the zebra.

For ages I tried in vain to get my children to sit through a full-length movie. I tried everything - "Cars", "Toy Story", all the favorites; nothing worked. And then one day I came across the "Madagascar" DVD in our house. I didn't even know we owned the movie, and I had never seen it myself. I wanted something to distract Bug for a few minutes, so I put it on. 

 90 minutes later, Bug was still watching the TV as the credits began rolling.

Did this just happen? Did he actually watch a full-length movie?! I couldn't believe it. And, even more shocking, when Binker came home from preschool later that day, I turned it on again and they BOTH watched it. All the way through!

The boys enjoyed the movie so much that they began requesting it on a daily basis, and I was happy to oblige. Sometimes they even wanted to watch it twice in a day. Normally I don't like to have my kids just sit in front of the TV, but between packing our house for the move and having a new baby to attend to, I decided to bend the rules a bit. It was awesome for me to be able to have something I could put on for them that would keep them busy for a good hour and a half. Plus, I had to admit that the movie was pretty cute, even funny in some parts. 

It was probably around the hundredth time they watched it, that I began to get a little bored with the same jokes. And by the thousandth time, I could pretty accurately recite the movie line for line along with the characters.

Now of the course, the children have watched it, oh I don't know, five hundredy jillion times. Husband and I have made every possible sarcastic joke to each other about the plot, lines, and characters. We tried humor at first to keep ourselves sane, however, even that doesn't work now. Which is what led to the conversation we had this morning over which character needs to die first.

Please. I am desperate. I need recommendations for movies that your kids like. Obviously mine are hard to please, as this has been the first and only movie to hold their attention, but I am open to any and all suggestions. 

My sanity is at stake here, people.

Introducing...

Baby Boo.

 

Born October 30th, at 9:43pm.

 

9 pounds, 13 ounces. 

21 inches long.

Perfect in every way.

Overdue

Due dates suck. 

It's like waiting all year for Christmas, only for the day to arrive and Santa is all, "Raincheck?"

We're still waiting.

October

I love the month of October.

I love the sights, sounds, smells, tastes. It is such a fun, comforting time of year. Sweaters come out, warm drinks fill the days, fireplaces come alight, and pumpkins can be seen around every corner. We've been filling our days with lots of fun autumn activities, since we know that new baby will be here any time. A couple weekends ago we visited the pumpkin patch, which was lots of fun. We picked out pumpkins, rode the train and went on a hay ride. The boys had a blast! These were two of my favorite shots from that day.

This week we had some fun carving our pumpkins! Well, actually, I was the only one who did the carving. I don't think our boys are quite ready to be carving anything just yet, and I considered letting them paint their pumpkins, but in the end decided that was a mess I just wasn't up to cleaning! I carved my pumpkin to look like a witch stirring a cauldron, Jacob's pumpkin is a ghost carved within the word "BOO", that goes around the entire pumpkin, and Ryan's is the classic Jack-o-lantern face. Richard hasn't carved his pumpkin yet, but it is monster of a pumpkin, so it is going to take some serious work. And the teeny pumpkin in the photos is Baby's pumpkin!

 

So that's what we've been up to lately, passing the time with fun fall activities!

The Waiting Game

A week ago I was certain I was just moments away from going into labor.

Yet here I sit. Another week bigger. More uncomfortable than ever. Sleep? What's that? 

Five days ago I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced, (if you don't know what any of that means I will just let you Google it). Since then, I have walked every day, sometimes twice a day, and cleaned my house obsessively, expecting my water to break or contractions to come on with every passing hour. I just don't even understand how I am still pregnant with as much as I have been on my feet. Apparently baby is really comfortable I guess, so I have resigned myself to the fact that he will come when he is good and ready, and until then, we will all just have to wait.

If one more person asks me when I am going to have this baby though, I might lose it.

Husband is the worst offender of all. When he is at work, he calls every hour, asking if my water has broken yet. As if I wouldn't let him know. Like I'm gonna call him up a few hours later and be all, "Surprise! I had a baby! Didn't want to bother you at work though, so I just thought I'd keep it to myself."

I know that baby will eventually arrive though, even though these last few days (weeks?) may feel like an eternity. I am just so excited to meet him, and hold him, and see his sweet little face for the first time. I can only hope that my next post will include a photo of our newest family member.