Ugly Souls

I've been feeling very frustrated lately.

Frustrated with people that are - not necessarily in my life any longer - but definitely on the periphery of it, and creating a lot of unnecessary worry and drama for those I love.

This is my blog. This is my voice. And I have been struggling with wanting to come here and vent about these things that are bothering me. But ultimately I have decided I can't. For one thing, it's not really my story to tell, and another, I believe that even though it might feel good at the time to get these things off my chest, I may end up regretting it.

I have however, come to a decision. I am so tired of these selfish, destructive people ruling my life. Wondering what they will do next, who they are going to try to hurt tomorrow. And honestly, I can't live this way. Just thinking about them and their actions makes me sick. It is sad to realize that people like this actually exist; that they walk among us, claiming to be good people of high moral character, yet, it's just a facade. What they're really doing is wearing masks to hide their ugly souls.

They're more interested in protecting their precious "image", rather than owning up to the truth, and to what they have done, and the people they have hurt. They don't know the meaning of the words apology or accountability.

So here's what I know: I am happy. I am loved, but more importantly, I know how to love in return. Life is good. God is always good. I know that God sees all. And God knows the truth.

So while these people can lie to their friends, lie to their family, lie to their church, and even lie to themselves, they cannot lie to God. And on the days when I feel most frustrated, I take comfort in that fact. I refuse to allow these poisonous individuals turn me into an angry, bitter person.

Life goes on, thankfully. And at some point, we will look back and know this was just a horrible bump in the road, but that the end result was worth enduring this painful journey.

A Lesson in Disappointment

I've just recently started introducing the shower to my boys. When they take their baths at night, I will turn on the shower head for a few seconds and let the water trickle down on them. They really seem to love it, as they always ask for more "helicopter", (yeah, I have NO idea why they think it's a helicopter, but whatevs).

It's really cute to watch, they start giggling and squirming around the tub, tentatively reaching their little fingers into the stream of water coming from above. Tonight I kept turning the shower on for about 30 seconds, then I would turn it off. Binker would quickly say, "I want shower please!", so I would turn it back on and we would repeat the cycle all over again. After several times of doing this, I finally decided that was enough, and said, "No more shower".

Binker looked up at me and said, "Oh well, that's life. I love you."

My heart melted at the sweet way he shrugged it off.

It got me thinking about how I handle disappointments in my own life. I know when I don't get something I want, or when things don't go my way, I can have a tendency to get mad or frustrated, and think, Why didn't I get what I want?

And while I realize that a lot of the things I may want or hope for are much bigger than simply wanting to watch the shower for a few seconds, I still think that we can learn a lot from children, and their simplistic attitudes toward life, because truly, it's just life. When did I stop saying "Oh well", and instead start brewing over disappointments for days or weeks at a time?

From now on I want to make an honest effort to learn from my children, and follow in their ability to say "Oh well, that's life. I love you", and move on, rather than sitting in self pity.

I mean, this is how Binker lives, and he looks pretty happy, don't you think?

My Three Sons

It's a boy!!


As my father-in-law said, my husband and I are single-handedly ensuring that the family name will be carried on.

Aside from the fact that I am ridiculously outnumbered now, I am thrilled. I was sort of assuming it would be another boy, even though many things about this pregnancy have been different. Now that we know for sure, and are able to start buying things specifically for this baby, and are calling him by name, it makes him seem so much more real, and I am that much more excited to meet this precious little boy.

Lovely Summer Nights

I love summer evenings. Stepping out front around 8pm and it's still light out. There's the last bit of glow from the sun in the western sky. Outside it is fresh and warm, with a slight breeze that whispers at the ends of your hair. The air is thick with the scent of lilacs and fresh-cut grass.

In the distance you can hear the repetitive chu-chu-chu of a sprinkler, and maybe one lone neighbor mowing his lawn a few blocks over. Older kids, who are allowed to stay up this late, are still out on the street playing basketball or hide and seek, and their laughter intertwines with the peace of the night, as you take it all in...

On these perfect summer nights, it seems that nothing bad could ever happen. No matter how old I get, these kinds of nights always stay the same, and they make me feel like a kid again. It is all timeless, and there is something so beautiful and comforting knowing that while the world is constantly changing, some things do remain. Lovely things.

Pretty Damn Good

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, by life. And I've been complaining and whining about how much we have going on, and how complicated things are at the moment.

But then, just as I was about to have another huge slice of Pity Party Pie, I stumbled across some people who are dealing with situations, that, in my most horrific nightmares I couldn't deal with. Life and death situations. Full of uncertainty and fear, and no answers for the future.

It's really made me stop and realize that I have it pretty damn good. And while some days it might seem like the world is on my shoulders, and I don't know where we'll be several months down the road, at least we are all healthy, and happy, and because of that, I know we can face whatever comes our way.

So today I am going to put on a smile, and stop complaining about my "problems", and instead, count all of the blessings that surround me in this beautiful life of ours.

Organic Shmorganic

I've never purchased organic food before.

No offense to those who swear by it, but I've always assumed it was just a marketing ploy used by companies in an attempt to earn a few extra dollars on a bag of carrots. That, or else"organic" meant the company didn't clean the produce and there was a chance you would find bugs in your bag of carrots.

Either way, I just wasn't getting sucked into the fad of going organic.

I love that line from the movie "Baby Mama", when Tina Fey brings Amy Poehler's character a bunch of organic food, and Amy Poehler says something along the line of organic food being for rich people who hate themselves.

Well guess what? I am now one of them.

Only, we're not rich. So...I guess that means I just hate myself?

Point is, we have experienced a few events in the past couple months that have pointed us in the direction of the organic food aisle.

Also, I watched the movie "Food Matters", and pretty much decided I never wanted to eat anything ever again.

I learned that organic actually means the produce has not been treated with any pesticides or....spermicides, or other -cides. All good things. And? You won't find any bugs or worms crawling around in the bag of food. Then again, after watching "Food Matters", I had to admit that eating an insect probably wouldn't be nearly as bad as ingesting the toxic chemicals usually sprayed on fruit and vegetables.

I feel so uncomfortable writing about this though, and talking to other people about it, because, I'm afraid it is going to make me sound snotty or like a know-it-all. And that's so not me. I am all for feeding my kids healthy stuff, and I am really trying to get on the healthy train too, but I admit I still sneak a frozen pizza or a few Cheetos now and then. And there is no way you are getting between me and a good cheeseburger. But as I get older, I realize more and more that it's important for me to really think about the things I am putting into my body, especially while pregnant.

The thing is, the world makes it freaking difficult to eat healthy. I mean, I'm sorry "Food Matters" producers, but we are a single income family, with 2+ children, and when it comes to the last few days before payday and we are down to our last dollar, am I going to buy 10 items off the McDonald's Value Menu or one bag of organic celery?

Tough choice.

But I don't want it to be. I don't want it to be about money, I just want to be able to buy what is best for my children so that I can feel like a good mom when I go to bed at night, like I am helping them build healthy bodies.

So I am on a mission to find affordable organic produce. One thing I am planning on doing this summer is growing a lot of my own. I plan to plant seeds for green beans, carrots, strawberries, and whatever else I can find. We already have an apple and a pear tree, so I think we should be set as far as those go. But for the days when we don't want to look at another apple, I would like to know where I can shop to find organic food that won't break the bank. Do farmer's markets sell organic food for less? Does anyone have any tricks of the trade?

I am really determined to feed my family healthy, I just don't want us going broke in the process.

Beat Down by a Couple of Toddlers

There are some days when I am so on top of things, and all of the meals are delicious and well-balanced, and the kids are clean and well-behaved, and everything runs smoothly, and I can't help but feel a little smug and think to myself, I could totally have like six kids, parenting is a piece of cake.

And then there are days like today. When I am completely and utterly beat down by these little children of mine, and they are screaming and hitting and climbing and breaking and running circles around my inexperienced self. I feel so drained, and inept at this whole parenting business, and start to wonder how on earth I will ever manage being responsible for three human beings. And while I would normally reach for a nice, relaxing glass of wine, post-bedtime, to calm my nerves...and make me feel less like a complete failure, I unfortunately do not have that option now that I have a bun in the oven.

So, obviously, I do the next best thing, and eat a plate of cookies for dinner.

I made sure they were oatmeal chocolate chip though, since everyone knows oatmeal cookies are the healthy kind.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. And if tomorrow kicks my butt too, at least there are always more cookies.