I've been trying to figure out how I feel about our appointment last week. Honestly, it was a little harder for me than I expected, even though I went in knowing that it wouldn't be very enjoyable. It was sort of like reopening a wound; I felt as though we were back where we were a year ago, having to explain Binker's symptoms and behaviors to a medical specialist. And it didn't help that the guy was going off the paperwork Binker's doctor sent to him....nine months ago.
Obviously much has changed in the interim, and I had to spend a lot of time catching the guy up, and trying to explain the progress our son has made. I'm not entirely sure he totally grasped what I was telling him though, because at the end of the appointment he actually suggested we try teaching Binker alternative forms of communication such as Sign Language and having him use pictures to tell us what he wants. I bit my tongue, but I wanted to tell him that our son is way beyond that.
Unfortunately, between being in a new environment, and all of the distractions, Binker wasn't at his best. Kids never perform when you want them to. But I know what my son is capable of, more than anyone. While his communication skills can be hit or miss in new environments, when he is at home, he consistently uses words to communicate with me. Whether he wants something, he hurt himself, he is frustrated, or he is just sharing something with me, he uses his words. So the fact that this nurse suggested we use Sign Language made me feel like he hadn't even been listening to a thing I had said; it was like he was stuck on where Binker was a year ago.
So after two hours of him asking me a million questions, and trying to play with Binker for about 10 minutes, he told me that in his opinion he thinks Binker is on the spectrum, however, he wants to leave the official "Yes" diagnosis to an actual MD. So that will be another six to nine weeks, (he guessed), before we get in for that appointment. I can't imagine what else they will do at that appointment that hasn't already been done. I'm a little irritated that we will have to drive over an hour to have a doctor say he is for sure on the spectrum. At this point, it seems like it's just a formality to me, and kind of makes me want to roll my eyes. But we'll do it, and hopefully soon enough we will be done with these appointments.
If I sound a little down, it's because I am. I guess I just felt kind of discouraged after the appointment. I didn't learn anything new from it, or take much away from it that was positive. One thing I have found is that overwhelmingly, the medical professionals we have encountered on this journey are not very positive on the subject of Autism. Maybe they just want to keep parents' expectations realistic, or maybe they just become numb after seeing so many cases, (the Autism Speaks website states that 1 in 110 children will be diagnosed on the spectrum, and as many as 1 in 70 boys). Either way, it can sometimes be hard to remain positive and encouraged. The evening after Binker's appointment last week, I was in a very bummed out mood.
At one point, I found myself wondering what it would be like if Binker wasn't on the spectrum. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have him come home from preschool, run up to me, give me a big hug and say "I love you mommy!", and tell me all about his day. Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.
And then, as I sat there on the couch, lost in my own pity party, Binker came over to me with a smile on his face. He leaned his head on me, and cuddled up against me for a moment before saying, "Mommy loves me".
Mommy loves me.
My reality may not be what I always imagined it would be, but it is wonderful in so many ways. And I couldn't help but feel that that moment was God's way of showing me that I am still so blessed, and to, well, snap out of it.
We'll finish this part of our journey, we'll go through the doctors' process, even though I may not fully understand it. And regardless of what they think my son's abilities and limitations are, I will keep believing in him. And, of course, loving him.
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