10 Years Later

On September 11th, 2001, I was addicted to my No Doubt Return of Saturn CD. I had it on repeat in my car; I didn't bother turning on the radio on the way to school. It was the second week of my senior year of high school. Life was simple.

I made my way to the building where my first class was, probably around 7:40 in the morning. I saw a group of people huddled around a TV. I realized that something was happening, but had no clue what. Our teacher let us watch the news for maybe 15 minutes, before forcing us to our studies. I remember that whole day was filled with lots of questions, and confusion, until I got home and was able to really get caught up on the horror of what had unfolded earlier that morning in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania.

I was a 17 year old girl. 

So naive. 

I clearly remember thinking on the afternoon of the attacks, that we would never know who was responsible for them. At that time, I knew nothing of terrorists, or Al Qaeda. I equated the acts of 9/11 with murder, and in my mind, murderers usually try to hide who they are, to save their own skin. It was beyond my comprehension that anyone would actually claim responsibility or take credit for the villainous acts of that day. 

How my eyes were opened.

I was at an age where I was old enough to fully comprehend what had happened, and how terribly tragic it was. At the same time though, it was my first real exposure to anything so horrific. It was jarring.

So much death. So much loss.

I was beginning my senior year of high school; was this the world I was about to enter as an adult? Because I wanted none of it.

I can never stand up and say that my life was personally affected by what happened on September 11th, 2001. I didn't lose any loved ones, I didn't even know anyone who lived on the east coast at that time.  I know that the significance of that day to me, is eclipsed by the thousands and thousands of families and friends who did lose close ones on 9/11.

Yet, the words 9/11 will always feel like a bruise on my heart. Our country was irrevocably changed that day, and I think that most Americans share my sentiments toward it. Even if we weren't affected personally, we still take that attack personally, as U.S. citizens. And I believe it is something that will be hard for those to understand who did not live through it - my children, for instance. September 11th will simply be something they learn about in history class - it will be far away - removed from them. 

The day after the attacks, a beloved middle school teacher of mine died in a plane crash while on vacation in Mexico. The news was an added assault to the fragile state that I, and many of my classmates were in. To our young minds, it seemed the world was suddenly filled with evil and injustice. Good people die, and bad people triumph? I couldn't make sense of it.

The afternoon of September 12th, I sat in our back yard, in the sunshine. It was such a beautiful day, but it felt so wrong. It was as if someone forgot to tell the sun not shine; too many people were hurting.

My dad came outside, and started talking to me. I think he could see that I was hurt, afraid, and confused. After a while, he picked a rose from our yard, a lovely shade of pink. He handed it to me, and said, "This is something beautiful that God has made. There is still beauty in the world, and you need to hold on to that."

I have never forgotten what he said. There is pain in life, this is something that I have learned tenfold since that day ten years ago; but beauty does remain. Good remains. Oftentimes it is right in front of us, we just need to open our eyes to see it.

My heart will always break when I think of September 11th, 2001. So many dreams never reached, so many innocents taken from this earth, so many lives forever changed.

One lesson stands out though: that life is short. So very short. I try to hug my children a little longer (when they let me), and memorize how their faces look as they lay sleeping in their beds at night. Every day I kiss my husband, and tell him that I love him before he leaves for work in the morning. None of us know which day will be our last. No one can change the events of 10 years ago, and no one can prevent whatever tragedies may lay ahead. But I try to to hold onto faith and hope, and believe that through it all there is still goodness in the world.

Love your family, hold them tight. Enjoy every beautiful moment with them.